Making Love Last: A Tantric Perspective

How can we make love last?

O.K. Now we are into the can of worms!

From a spiritual perspective, it is an odd question since we exist in a sea of eternal love.

It is also something of a trick question since it is based on a trick of the ego. According to Bodhi Avianasha, author of Jewel in the Lotus, (a tantra classic) temporality is a symptom of being in the ego-mind whereas timelessness indicates being in the heart space. So when we are in the presence of love, it is timeless. It is only when we are in our ego-state that we are concerned with time and with making love last.

It also begs the question of "Love with whom?" This question brings in a cascade of secondary considerations and cultural conditioning such as 'soulmate,' 'polyamory,' 'serial monogamy' and all the variations we see in society.

I would suggest 'being unconditional love with no attachment.' When I am drawn to someone, simply to express love for them and draw closer. When I am not, simply express love for them and put distance between us. 'Being unconditional love' runs counter to our programming. We are taught that love is located outside of ourselves and we must seek it and that there are certain conditions to be met. What if that's simply not true?

What if by simply being love, there is no implicit 'deal?' What if loving someone doesn't entitle us to relationship?

These days I find that when I cease clinging to a love that I think is scarce, I discover it is abundant. When I stop trying to ensure that love continues and simply let go, that it is all around me. This may occur in one person or in a progression from person to person. It is my experience that there is but one woman out there and she has a million faces. What there is for me to do is to love her and make hot love to her when she wants me to.

Ejaculation, Orgasm, Love and Sex

Male and female sexual responses differ substantially and do not naturally result in the most pleasant experience for both sexes. For this reason tantra seeks to bring these responses into balance.

Males tend to express love outwardly and up through their Lingam (convex male sex organ) and to receive love through Anahata (Heart Chakra). They tend to be easily aroused, and quick to achieve ejaculatory orgasm, which leaves them somewhat depleted.

Females tend to express love outwardly and down through their Anahata (convex breasts) and to receive love through their Yoni (concave female sex organ). They tend to be slower to arousal and orgasm but are capable of multiple orgasms of extended duration which tend to fulfill them.

So men generally offer love in trade for sex and women offer sex in trade for love. Often women will feel devalued when a man is after them for sex with no love and men will feel devalued when a woman is after them for love with no sex. What is needed is a complete circuit where the man expresses his love sexually through his Lingam into her Yoni where it is received and given back to the man outward through the breasts and into the man's heart. However, due to societal attitudes and traumatic experiences during development, either sex may prefer to shut off this flow.

Tantra seeks to retrain the male to differentiate between ejaculation and orgasm and to refrain from ejaculation so that he may experience extended multiple orgasms like the female. it also teaches men to serve women in the full expression of their power as God-men. Tantra also seeks to retrain the female to stop equating love with the expectation that the man manage the entire process of arousal from interest to foreplay through orgasm and afterglow and instead to learn how to think of herself as a self-ignited sexual Goddess.

To achieve these ends, sexuality is regarded as an art in need of practice. Just as a musician achieves musical virtuosity through regular practice so does the Tantrika achieve sexual virtuosity through practice.

Practices fall into 8 categories:

1. Solo practice for redirecting male energy patterns
2. Solo practice for redirecting female energy patterns
3. Solo practice for energy cultivation, conservation and transmutation
4. Partner practice for male sexual healing
5. Partner practice for female sexual healing
6. Partner practice for redirecting male energy patterns
7. Partner practice for redirecting female energy patterns
8. Partner practice for energy cultivation, conservation and transmutation

Generally, all of these practices are necessary to differing degrees in different individuals. The degree of work required is rather like a pyramid, with the most groundwork being accomplished through solo practice, then moving up through the partner practices from sexual healing through energy redirection and finally partner practice for energy cultivation, conservation and transmutation. Quite a few Westerners seem to think they can shortcut to the 8th level and skip the foundation work. They are sadly mistaken.

More on specific practices in future installments

Ejaculation Issues

In recent weeks, a number of men have written to me with varied concerns regarding ejaculation. In the world of tantra, there are varied opinions and techniques. I will do my best to address the concerns presented.

The first general concern would be one of premature ejaculation. The guy wants to know how to last longer. There are a number of tantric techniques to deal with this, however it needs to be said that the purpose of these techniques is not just delaying ejaculation, but rather to gain first Ejaculatory Choice and later Ejaculatory Mastery where orgasm and ejaculation are recognized as separate experiences and semen can be retained as a general practice and emitted only occasionally.

The first technique I recommend is to practice the Transmutation Breath. Here's how:

• Practice while self-pleasuring (without a partner).
• Tighten the muscles of the pelvic floor. (the ones you use to hold pee and poop until you can get to the bathroom)
• Inhale feeling the sexual energy rise up to the top of your head.
• Release the muscles of the pelvic floor and say the following sounds out loud so you can feel the vibration.

• 1/3 "Eeeeeee" feeling the vibration between your eybrows
• 1/3 "Ahhhhhh" feeling the vibration in the heart region
• 1/3 "Ohhhhhh" feeling the vibration in the solar plexus

• For starters, try to do this three times in a row without going over the edge.
• A little more advanced, do it 10 times and then halt self-pleasuring for an hour.
• What we are doing is starting to retrain the body to direct sex energy up the spine and then to distribute it to the head, heart and power centers rather than out the penis.

The second technique is to be used during lovemaking. It is a good idea to discuss this with one's partner beforehand, since many women have issues of sexual self-worth tied to whether or not they can pull the semen out of their partner and may be confused when a man breaks the rhythm to practice retention. Simply, this technique is to halt, squeeze and release.

• When lovemaking and approaching the "point of no return" stop all motion. Possibly even withdraw out of the vagina
  
• Take a breath, hold it, and tighten every muscle in the body.
• Release both the muscle tension and the breath.
• Resume lovemaking
  

A man may find that he temporarily loses his erection when he does this. This is because the act of tightening all the muscles throughout the body actually draws blood away from the genitals.

These two techniques, although fairly effective, are only the tip of the tantric iceberg. Future installments will go into more depth.

Predisposition for Polyamory

I think people come to polyamory (or run from it) for a variety of reasons, based partly on predisposition, partly on life experience and partly on conclusions drawn from experience.

Taking my own life as an example, I can take note of my predisposition. Looking back on my childhood, I can see that I engaged in erotic play with other little girls and boys in a state of sexual innocence. At the earliest stages I was predisposed to bisexuality. When I reached puberty I experienced molestation at the hands of my abusive stepfather, and this experience turned me off to men. Later, when the classic triangle of girlfriend and best friend happened, I felt horrible until all 3 of us went to bed together.

I draw the conclusion that I am polyamorous because I seek to re-create the experience of triads. I am less drawn by the notion of myself as a Casanova, and more drawn by the desire to experience intimacy with more than one person at a time.

In seeking a primary partner, I feel it is important to have compatible predispositions and the ability to draw a variety of conclusions from experiences. I have seen that often people stick to their conclusions whatever they may be, and this serves to narrow their possibilities for relationship. Some people may be predisposed to polyamory and run as I did for years, because I concluded it was a source of suffering. (Later I saw that the source of my suffering had much more to do with being untrue to myself.)

I have found that through Tantra and in particular, the use of non-judgmental witness consciousness has allowed me to become much clearer about this.

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