What Gives With This Relationship Stuff Anyway?

When someone says the word "relationship," we think we know what they mean, but it is my experience that people's definitions are far from a consensus, especially when it comes to sexual relationships. Rather than focusing on the broadest of definitions, which would apply if we were describing the relationships of objects or concepts, for brevity's sake I would like to narrow it down. Let's take it even narrower than human relationships in general all the way down to sexual relationships.

On one end of the continuum we have people who insist that the only proper sexual relationship is one based solely on procreation within marriage. On the other end of the continuum we have people who flit from partner to partner without any of the constraints of commitment. Then we have everyone else, who falls somewhere between the two.

Many people have come to adopt an allowing (although subtly judgmental) framework in which to consider relationships that goes something like this:

• Asexual childhood
• Experimental adolescence
• Loss of virginity (Some insist this must occur within marriage)
  
• Sowing one's wild oats
• Settling down
• Asexual old age

Sounds reasonable. But what if the model reflects nothing but an artificial construct to deal with something far more chaotic? Almost every level of this framework is challenged by the truth of human behavior.

• Asexual childhood (When we look from a psychological point of view, we see that children are indeed sexual beings, but the sexuality is generalized and not oriented towards intercourse. Of course this is not license for the predatory behavior of certain adults; as incest or otherwise.)
  
• Experimental adolescence (This seems to be consistent with behavior. It would make sense to fully inform adolescents about essential matters such as pregnancy, parenthood, venereal disease and sexual predators. From a tantric perspective, it would also make sense to bring adolescents to an understanding of the energies emerging in their bodies and to come to understand them as a spiritual gift to be prized and used well.)
  
• Loss of virginity (The old image of a furtive moment with a teenage partner or night spent with a prostitute seems not to apply these days. In spite of the best efforts of adults, teenagers and young adults watch internet porn and imitate it, in its varied flavors.)
  
• Sowing one's wild oats (Although regarded as a transient phase, this is turning out to be a lifestyle for many.)
  
• Settling down (Many still settle down into marriage only to find themselves divorced shortly thereafter.)
  
• Asexual old age (It turns out granny gets it on, too; and often kinkier than in her youth. Statistics show that STDs are rising in the over-50 crowd.)

Given the fact that the familiar old model doesn't seem to apply any longer, one wonders about what the alternatives are. Just possibly, we were sold a bill of goods. Many cultures in the past had different ways of looking at relationships and different social constructs for managing them. In the next installment we will examine a few.

Cuddle Party: A Review

I had the pleasure of meeting Reid Mihalko of http://cuddleparty.com/ again recently. I first met him at Baba Dez's Daka/Dakini Conference West, later at a Sexy Spirits gathering in New York City, and most recently in Chicago at Baba Dez's Daka/Dakini Conference East.

I have a lot of respect for what he is doing. I agree with him that quite a bit of American society is touch-deprived. Somehow we got touch and sexuality and predatory behavior mixed up as if it is all the same stuff. Reid sorts it out in his cuddle parties. He has formulated some excellent rules, and I appreciate the care that he and other Cuddle Party facilitators take in bringing participants into a conscious space using the rules. Here they are:
[Bracketed comments are mine.]

Rule # 1 - Pajamas stay on the whole time. [Prevents "oops!" and creates safety.]

Rule # 2 - You don't have to cuddle anyone at a Cuddle Party, ever. [Re-educates people that they don't need to give in to social pressure or expectation.]

Rule # 3 - You must ask permission and receive a verbal YES before you touch anyone. (Be as specific in your request as you can.) [Takes all the guesswork and mischief out of touch.]

Rule # 4 - If you're a Yes to a request, say YES. If you're a No, say NO. [Instructs people to line up their feelings and their word.]

Rule # 5 - If you're a Maybe, say NO. [Clears up the gray area and creates safety.]

Rule # 6 - You are encouraged to change your mind. [Encourages exploratory play.]

Rule # 7 - Respect your relationship boundaries and communicate with your partner. [Creates safety in established relationships.]

Rule # 8 - Come get the Cuddle Caddy or ME if there's a concern, problem, or should you feel unsafe or need assistance with anything today. [Handles anything questionable or unforeseen.]

Rule # 9 - Tears and laughter are both welcome. [Encourages authentic expression of emotion.]

Rule # 10 - Respect people's privacy when sharing about Cuddle Parties and do not gossip. [Creates safety.]

Rule #11 - Keep the Cuddle Space Tidy [Contributes to consciousness and safety.]

Rule #12 - Thank you for arriving on time. [Acknowledges peoples fundamental integrity.]

Keep up the good work, buddy!

Male Tantric Orgasm vs Ejaculatory Control

Many men become curious about tantra because they want to deal real with varying degrees of sexual dysfunction, whether it is premature ejaculation or difficulty maintaining an erection. Although tantric practices can be helpful in both these areas, the point is to take male sexuality to a whole new level.

Going beyond concerns about premature ejaculation, the tantric male seeks to achieve ejaculatory choice and eventually ejaculatory mastery. This entails not only practice during the act of lovemaking but also extensive solo practice in both aroused and non-aroused states.

The male tantrika practices semen retention through transmutation of the sexual energy. There is more to this than meets the eye.

1. Practicing semen retention does not mean "Never ejaculating." I simply means retaining semen long enough to avoid depletion.
   
2. Avoiding ejaculation for too long leads to congestion/stagnation (commonly known as "blue balls") in the male genitalia which can be a problem in itself.
3. Congestion/stagnation can be lessened through specific practices such as taoist male genital massage.
4. More important than simple semen retention is learning transmutation of the sexual energy, where the orgasmic impulse is directed up the spine, (spinal orgasm).
5. With practice, the frequency of ejaculation lengthens as does the time spent lovemaking.
   
6. Although orgasm may become more frequent and powerful, it becomes separated from the impulse to ejaculate so that ejaculation occurs only occasionally.
7. Eventually, the habit of ejaculation will be relearned so that ejaculation becomes difficult. When this happens, intention must be focused to make it occur from time to time.

Tantric couples may find themselves engaging in such practices as frequent couplings without the goal-orientation of orgasm on every occasion. For example:

A couple may go to bed and play sensuously for a brief period before sleep. They may engage in morning lovemaking, yet either or both may refrain from orgasm. Taking their sexual energy into their workday, they may return in the afternoon and engage in lovemaking yet again. This may go on for several days before the man ejaculates.

Please visit http://tantricartsinstitute.com/ and http://www.hottantra.com/

Ejaculation, Orgasm, Love and Sex

Male and female sexual responses differ substantially and do not naturally result in the most pleasant experience for both sexes. For this reason tantra seeks to bring these responses into balance.

Males tend to express love outwardly and up through their Lingam (convex male sex organ) and to receive love through Anahata (Heart Chakra). They tend to be easily aroused, and quick to achieve ejaculatory orgasm, which leaves them somewhat depleted.

Females tend to express love outwardly and down through their Anahata (convex breasts) and to receive love through their Yoni (concave female sex organ). They tend to be slower to arousal and orgasm but are capable of multiple orgasms of extended duration which tend to fulfill them.

So men generally offer love in trade for sex and women offer sex in trade for love. Often women will feel devalued when a man is after them for sex with no love and men will feel devalued when a woman is after them for love with no sex. What is needed is a complete circuit where the man expresses his love sexually through his Lingam into her Yoni where it is received and given back to the man outward through the breasts and into the man's heart. However, due to societal attitudes and traumatic experiences during development, either sex may prefer to shut off this flow.

Tantra seeks to retrain the male to differentiate between ejaculation and orgasm and to refrain from ejaculation so that he may experience extended multiple orgasms like the female. it also teaches men to serve women in the full expression of their power as God-men. Tantra also seeks to retrain the female to stop equating love with the expectation that the man manage the entire process of arousal from interest to foreplay through orgasm and afterglow and instead to learn how to think of herself as a self-ignited sexual Goddess.

To achieve these ends, sexuality is regarded as an art in need of practice. Just as a musician achieves musical virtuosity through regular practice so does the Tantrika achieve sexual virtuosity through practice.

Practices fall into 8 categories:

1. Solo practice for redirecting male energy patterns
2. Solo practice for redirecting female energy patterns
3. Solo practice for energy cultivation, conservation and transmutation
4. Partner practice for male sexual healing
5. Partner practice for female sexual healing
6. Partner practice for redirecting male energy patterns
7. Partner practice for redirecting female energy patterns
8. Partner practice for energy cultivation, conservation and transmutation

Generally, all of these practices are necessary to differing degrees in different individuals. The degree of work required is rather like a pyramid, with the most groundwork being accomplished through solo practice, then moving up through the partner practices from sexual healing through energy redirection and finally partner practice for energy cultivation, conservation and transmutation. Quite a few Westerners seem to think they can shortcut to the 8th level and skip the foundation work. They are sadly mistaken.

More on specific practices in future installments

Ejaculation Issues

In recent weeks, a number of men have written to me with varied concerns regarding ejaculation. In the world of tantra, there are varied opinions and techniques. I will do my best to address the concerns presented.

The first general concern would be one of premature ejaculation. The guy wants to know how to last longer. There are a number of tantric techniques to deal with this, however it needs to be said that the purpose of these techniques is not just delaying ejaculation, but rather to gain first Ejaculatory Choice and later Ejaculatory Mastery where orgasm and ejaculation are recognized as separate experiences and semen can be retained as a general practice and emitted only occasionally.

The first technique I recommend is to practice the Transmutation Breath. Here's how:

• Practice while self-pleasuring (without a partner).
• Tighten the muscles of the pelvic floor. (the ones you use to hold pee and poop until you can get to the bathroom)
• Inhale feeling the sexual energy rise up to the top of your head.
• Release the muscles of the pelvic floor and say the following sounds out loud so you can feel the vibration.

• 1/3 "Eeeeeee" feeling the vibration between your eybrows
• 1/3 "Ahhhhhh" feeling the vibration in the heart region
• 1/3 "Ohhhhhh" feeling the vibration in the solar plexus

• For starters, try to do this three times in a row without going over the edge.
• A little more advanced, do it 10 times and then halt self-pleasuring for an hour.
• What we are doing is starting to retrain the body to direct sex energy up the spine and then to distribute it to the head, heart and power centers rather than out the penis.

The second technique is to be used during lovemaking. It is a good idea to discuss this with one's partner beforehand, since many women have issues of sexual self-worth tied to whether or not they can pull the semen out of their partner and may be confused when a man breaks the rhythm to practice retention. Simply, this technique is to halt, squeeze and release.

• When lovemaking and approaching the "point of no return" stop all motion. Possibly even withdraw out of the vagina
  
• Take a breath, hold it, and tighten every muscle in the body.
• Release both the muscle tension and the breath.
• Resume lovemaking
  

A man may find that he temporarily loses his erection when he does this. This is because the act of tightening all the muscles throughout the body actually draws blood away from the genitals.

These two techniques, although fairly effective, are only the tip of the tantric iceberg. Future installments will go into more depth.

Tantra and NVC (Nonviolent Communication)

Quite a few Tantrikas are embracing NVC or Nonviolent Communication.

Based on the original work of Marshall Rosenberg, NVC is sometimes referred to as Compassionate Communication.

The basic model involves two modes, each consisting of four steps. One mode is Empathic Listening which requires listening for observations, feelings, needs and requests. The other, often parallel mode involves the Honest Expression of observations, feelings, needs and requests.

One reason Tantrikas are drawn to NVC is because Tantra involves much more than sexual harmony and extends further to harmony in all levels of relationship. Because Compassionate Communication reduces the number of squabbles and tends to move those who use it to more rapid resolutions, it is seen as an essential part of harmony in relationships.

The basic methodology of NVC is taught in courses offered by:

• The Center for Nonviolent Communication
• Hot Tantra
• Sacred Space Institute
• Tantric Arts Institute

Last Call for Participants for Tantric Embodiment Pilot Project.

This is a re-post in case you didn't catch it the first time.

I am looking for people to participate in the pilot of a new course I created combining my understandings from Taoist practices and Ipsalu Tantra. The purpose would be to activate the body in a way that a person becomes sensitive to the variety of sensations, the reverse of "shutting down."

Ideally this would become a home study course complementary to our Hot Tantra workshops.

In addition, each week's lesson would involve exploration of specific areas of sensation, with the point of activating the whole body and the range of emotions. Crucial to this process would be development of "witness consciousness" so that if undesirable feelings came up, they could be experienced, examined and accepted.

The first 10 lessons are fairly set, but I wanted to leave the remainder open based on the needs of the participants. There are a variety of directions things could go based on the experience level and goals of the participants.

The program could also be modified based on whether a partner is available. In fact, one of the things I was thinking of teaching in addition to learning about one's own energies, was learning about how men and women differ in fundamental disposition, and how to find appropriate partners. (I have found that whereas finding partners used to be difficult, it is a lot easier since I learned tantra. It might even be part of the homework for singles. Depending on the response, there may also be opportunities for matching.)

If things go as I envision them, when the comfort levels and experience were appropriate, training would be provided in specifics of sexual technique both for male and female.

The eventual results would be that individuals would be fully embodied and capable of fully feeling their bodies, emotions and pleasure. They would also have a degree of mastery with respect to the opposite sex and be well on the path with respect to such tantric practices as how to pleasure the opposite sex, self-ignition, ejaculatory choice, and transmutation of orgasmic energy.

I would want to keep case histories and testimonials both for purposes of refining the course materials and for eventual promotion once the program is ready for wider release.

I hope this provides some idea of what I am up to.
If you saw the movie "The Secret" this supports and expands those principles as well.

Here is the preliminary outline:
Tantric Embodiment: Learning to feel your way through life
Basis: Chakras and Chinese 5 Element Theory
Intention: To bring a person fully into their body physically and emotionally
Practices: Qi gong, breath, guided meditation, journaling, dialogue
Lessons:
1. Personal Inventory: Bringing the Non-Judgmental Witness to Life. Assessing the Mind, Body, Emotions. (Opening the 3rd Eye, Ajna).
2. Breath and the Metal Element: Breath as the key to aliveness (the Throat Chakra, Visudda). (Lungs, Large Intestine, Colon, Skin, Immune System, Lymphatic System) [Emotions: Sadness, Grief / Inspiration, Respect, Self-Esteem, Meaningfulness, Endurance]
3. Sexuality and the Water Element: Harnessing the Vital Force (Sex Center, Swadisthana) for Enlightenment. (Kidneys, Adrenals, Endocrine System, Urinary, Skeletal) [Emotions: Helplessness, Lethargy / Willpower, Actualization, Faith, Wisdom, Capacities]
4. Power and the Wood Element: Wielding Power (Power Center, Manipura) instead of Force-Fitting. (Liver Gall Bladder, Nervous System, Eyes, Tendons) [Emotions: Irritability, Nervousness / Creativity, Transformation, Adaptability, Clarity]
5. Passionate Living and the Fire Element: Renewing the Heart’s Enthusiasm (Heart Center, Anahata). (Heart, Pericardium, Cardiovascular System, Small Intestine, Brain) [Emotions: Anxiety, Drama / Enthusiasm, Passion, Joy, Relationship, Self-Expression]
6. Centering and the Earth Element: Remaining Grounded (Root or Base Chakra, Muladara). (Spleen, Pancreas, Stomach, Digestive System) [Worry, Over-Thinking / Contentment, Nurturance, Empathy Security, Stability]
7. Relationships & Essences: Essential Self/Other/Spirit (Crown Chakra, Sahashrara)
8. Yin & Yang as they relate to Feminine & Masculine: Learning to recognize internal masculine and feminine aspects and bring them into balance both internally and in relation to a partner.
9. Jing & Chi Cycles: Understanding and utilizing natural rhythms.
10. Breath and Orgasm: Solo Practices for extending and increasing orgasmic capacity.
11. Developmental Deficits Oral Phase: Seeking Nurturance / Neediness
12. Developmental Deficits Anal Phase: Seeking Approval / Not Good Enough
13. Developmental Deficits Genital Phase: Seeking Fulfillment / Disappointment
14. Affirmative Sexuality: Sexuality as an expression of a healthy Mind, Body and Spirit in a world of repression and excess.
15. Serving the Goddess: Instructions for men about women (Gender-role tendencies, differences in consciousness, communication tips, pleasuring).
16. Serving the God-Man: Instructions for women about men (Gender-role tendencies, differences in consciousness, communication tips, pleasuring).

If paid up front, the cost would be 1/2 the lesson-by-lesson cost or $320 , reduced to $160 for participants who submit progress reports and testimonials.

If paid on a lesson-by-lesson basis, the cost would be $40 per person per lesson, reduced to $20 per person per lesson for participants who submit progress reports and testimonials. Please email me at mead@hottantra.com if you are interested.