Cuddle Party: A Review

I had the pleasure of meeting Reid Mihalko of http://cuddleparty.com/ again recently. I first met him at Baba Dez's Daka/Dakini Conference West, later at a Sexy Spirits gathering in New York City, and most recently in Chicago at Baba Dez's Daka/Dakini Conference East.

I have a lot of respect for what he is doing. I agree with him that quite a bit of American society is touch-deprived. Somehow we got touch and sexuality and predatory behavior mixed up as if it is all the same stuff. Reid sorts it out in his cuddle parties. He has formulated some excellent rules, and I appreciate the care that he and other Cuddle Party facilitators take in bringing participants into a conscious space using the rules. Here they are:
[Bracketed comments are mine.]

Rule # 1 - Pajamas stay on the whole time. [Prevents "oops!" and creates safety.]

Rule # 2 - You don't have to cuddle anyone at a Cuddle Party, ever. [Re-educates people that they don't need to give in to social pressure or expectation.]

Rule # 3 - You must ask permission and receive a verbal YES before you touch anyone. (Be as specific in your request as you can.) [Takes all the guesswork and mischief out of touch.]

Rule # 4 - If you're a Yes to a request, say YES. If you're a No, say NO. [Instructs people to line up their feelings and their word.]

Rule # 5 - If you're a Maybe, say NO. [Clears up the gray area and creates safety.]

Rule # 6 - You are encouraged to change your mind. [Encourages exploratory play.]

Rule # 7 - Respect your relationship boundaries and communicate with your partner. [Creates safety in established relationships.]

Rule # 8 - Come get the Cuddle Caddy or ME if there's a concern, problem, or should you feel unsafe or need assistance with anything today. [Handles anything questionable or unforeseen.]

Rule # 9 - Tears and laughter are both welcome. [Encourages authentic expression of emotion.]

Rule # 10 - Respect people's privacy when sharing about Cuddle Parties and do not gossip. [Creates safety.]

Rule #11 - Keep the Cuddle Space Tidy [Contributes to consciousness and safety.]

Rule #12 - Thank you for arriving on time. [Acknowledges peoples fundamental integrity.]

Keep up the good work, buddy!

Male Tantric Orgasm vs Ejaculatory Control

Many men become curious about tantra because they want to deal real with varying degrees of sexual dysfunction, whether it is premature ejaculation or difficulty maintaining an erection. Although tantric practices can be helpful in both these areas, the point is to take male sexuality to a whole new level.

Going beyond concerns about premature ejaculation, the tantric male seeks to achieve ejaculatory choice and eventually ejaculatory mastery. This entails not only practice during the act of lovemaking but also extensive solo practice in both aroused and non-aroused states.

The male tantrika practices semen retention through transmutation of the sexual energy. There is more to this than meets the eye.

1. Practicing semen retention does not mean "Never ejaculating." I simply means retaining semen long enough to avoid depletion.
   
2. Avoiding ejaculation for too long leads to congestion/stagnation (commonly known as "blue balls") in the male genitalia which can be a problem in itself.
3. Congestion/stagnation can be lessened through specific practices such as taoist male genital massage.
4. More important than simple semen retention is learning transmutation of the sexual energy, where the orgasmic impulse is directed up the spine, (spinal orgasm).
5. With practice, the frequency of ejaculation lengthens as does the time spent lovemaking.
   
6. Although orgasm may become more frequent and powerful, it becomes separated from the impulse to ejaculate so that ejaculation occurs only occasionally.
7. Eventually, the habit of ejaculation will be relearned so that ejaculation becomes difficult. When this happens, intention must be focused to make it occur from time to time.

Tantric couples may find themselves engaging in such practices as frequent couplings without the goal-orientation of orgasm on every occasion. For example:

A couple may go to bed and play sensuously for a brief period before sleep. They may engage in morning lovemaking, yet either or both may refrain from orgasm. Taking their sexual energy into their workday, they may return in the afternoon and engage in lovemaking yet again. This may go on for several days before the man ejaculates.

Please visit http://tantricartsinstitute.com/ and http://www.hottantra.com/

Ejaculation, Orgasm, Love and Sex

Male and female sexual responses differ substantially and do not naturally result in the most pleasant experience for both sexes. For this reason tantra seeks to bring these responses into balance.

Males tend to express love outwardly and up through their Lingam (convex male sex organ) and to receive love through Anahata (Heart Chakra). They tend to be easily aroused, and quick to achieve ejaculatory orgasm, which leaves them somewhat depleted.

Females tend to express love outwardly and down through their Anahata (convex breasts) and to receive love through their Yoni (concave female sex organ). They tend to be slower to arousal and orgasm but are capable of multiple orgasms of extended duration which tend to fulfill them.

So men generally offer love in trade for sex and women offer sex in trade for love. Often women will feel devalued when a man is after them for sex with no love and men will feel devalued when a woman is after them for love with no sex. What is needed is a complete circuit where the man expresses his love sexually through his Lingam into her Yoni where it is received and given back to the man outward through the breasts and into the man's heart. However, due to societal attitudes and traumatic experiences during development, either sex may prefer to shut off this flow.

Tantra seeks to retrain the male to differentiate between ejaculation and orgasm and to refrain from ejaculation so that he may experience extended multiple orgasms like the female. it also teaches men to serve women in the full expression of their power as God-men. Tantra also seeks to retrain the female to stop equating love with the expectation that the man manage the entire process of arousal from interest to foreplay through orgasm and afterglow and instead to learn how to think of herself as a self-ignited sexual Goddess.

To achieve these ends, sexuality is regarded as an art in need of practice. Just as a musician achieves musical virtuosity through regular practice so does the Tantrika achieve sexual virtuosity through practice.

Practices fall into 8 categories:

1. Solo practice for redirecting male energy patterns
2. Solo practice for redirecting female energy patterns
3. Solo practice for energy cultivation, conservation and transmutation
4. Partner practice for male sexual healing
5. Partner practice for female sexual healing
6. Partner practice for redirecting male energy patterns
7. Partner practice for redirecting female energy patterns
8. Partner practice for energy cultivation, conservation and transmutation

Generally, all of these practices are necessary to differing degrees in different individuals. The degree of work required is rather like a pyramid, with the most groundwork being accomplished through solo practice, then moving up through the partner practices from sexual healing through energy redirection and finally partner practice for energy cultivation, conservation and transmutation. Quite a few Westerners seem to think they can shortcut to the 8th level and skip the foundation work. They are sadly mistaken.

More on specific practices in future installments

Ejaculation Issues

In recent weeks, a number of men have written to me with varied concerns regarding ejaculation. In the world of tantra, there are varied opinions and techniques. I will do my best to address the concerns presented.

The first general concern would be one of premature ejaculation. The guy wants to know how to last longer. There are a number of tantric techniques to deal with this, however it needs to be said that the purpose of these techniques is not just delaying ejaculation, but rather to gain first Ejaculatory Choice and later Ejaculatory Mastery where orgasm and ejaculation are recognized as separate experiences and semen can be retained as a general practice and emitted only occasionally.

The first technique I recommend is to practice the Transmutation Breath. Here's how:

• Practice while self-pleasuring (without a partner).
• Tighten the muscles of the pelvic floor. (the ones you use to hold pee and poop until you can get to the bathroom)
• Inhale feeling the sexual energy rise up to the top of your head.
• Release the muscles of the pelvic floor and say the following sounds out loud so you can feel the vibration.

• 1/3 "Eeeeeee" feeling the vibration between your eybrows
• 1/3 "Ahhhhhh" feeling the vibration in the heart region
• 1/3 "Ohhhhhh" feeling the vibration in the solar plexus

• For starters, try to do this three times in a row without going over the edge.
• A little more advanced, do it 10 times and then halt self-pleasuring for an hour.
• What we are doing is starting to retrain the body to direct sex energy up the spine and then to distribute it to the head, heart and power centers rather than out the penis.

The second technique is to be used during lovemaking. It is a good idea to discuss this with one's partner beforehand, since many women have issues of sexual self-worth tied to whether or not they can pull the semen out of their partner and may be confused when a man breaks the rhythm to practice retention. Simply, this technique is to halt, squeeze and release.

• When lovemaking and approaching the "point of no return" stop all motion. Possibly even withdraw out of the vagina
  
• Take a breath, hold it, and tighten every muscle in the body.
• Release both the muscle tension and the breath.
• Resume lovemaking
  

A man may find that he temporarily loses his erection when he does this. This is because the act of tightening all the muscles throughout the body actually draws blood away from the genitals.

These two techniques, although fairly effective, are only the tip of the tantric iceberg. Future installments will go into more depth.